Preparing For Marriage (Keys To Help You Choose Right)
Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)
The covenant made between a man and woman to join together as one in holy matrimony is sacred and honorable in the eyes of God. Marriage is a blessing when we find someone whom we align with spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally and financially. I encourage anyone who desires marriage to take advantage of the opportunity to learn as much as you can about yourself during your single season. Being well aware of who you are will help you identify what you want and desire in a romantic relationship. More importantly you will be able to identify what you don’t want, establish boundaries and pin point how much you’re willing to accept or give to another person in a relationship. Singleness is a blessing for those who understand it is an opportunity to build your relationship with God, get to know more about yourself, come into a better understanding of who you are as a whole person and to do all the things you desire before taking on the responsibility of becoming committed to another person. Attitude and perception are everything. The lens in which you view your single state will determine how well you live and embrace this season of your life. Singleness is your greatest opportunity to develop, grow, build and enhance yourself overall. Becoming more aware of yourself empowers you to manage your thoughts, feelings, behaviors, reactions and responses to things or people whom trigger unhealthy emotions.
Learning how to live well as a single is very important. Those who desire marriage may hear the aforementioned statement and question how they can enjoy living single when deep down they’re yearning for companionship and desire to be married. You have to be intentional about spending your time and energy doing things that enhance your well being. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying. “Happiness starts within” which is very true. The fact of the matter is you are responsible for creating happiness within yourself. The same is true for becoming healed and whole. Both are your sole responsibility and yours alone. It is alright to seek help and find support with outside people but it is not anyone else’s job to heal or make you happy. While I understand the importance of community and having a good support system I want you to realize people may not always be around to help or encourage you on your journey. In reality, if you can’t enjoy being in the presence of your own company prior to getting into a committed relationship and becoming legally bound to another person the likelihood of you doing so after marriage is very unlikely. Singleness gives you an opportunity to re-evaluate yourself. It exposes your flaws and forces you to hold yourself accountable to living up to the standards you set for yourself.
One of the most important decisions a single person can make is choosing who they will marry. However, there are some things singles should do before saying I do and jumping the broom. The first step is setting aside some time to spend a season alone to work on yourself before starting to date and getting into a committed relationship. There is a big difference between be alone and being lonely. Far too many people are infatuated with the idea of marriage because it looks good on paper. Some do it to flaunt online and enhance their social media content. Others may do it because they may see it as opportunity to become apart of and maneuver in more elite social circles while elevating their financial, political and social status. Some people struggle with the idea of being alone because they are codependent and feed off the validation of other people. The Bible warns us not to be unequally yoked but some choose to partner with individuals they aren’t compatible with simply because they’re tired of being alone. So often do I find people settle for less than they deserve or desire because they become weary and tired of waiting. Then there are those who can’t fathom the idea of being alone for the rest of their life or they simply want someone to help them take care of things financially. There are a number of reasons people rush into relationships and marriage. However it is never good to make hasty decisions about love connections., especially when the motive or intentions for doing so are wrong.
The reality is this, when you choose to partner with someone whom you do not align with spiritually, mentally and emotionally it will lead to confusion. Being misaligned with the wrong person eventually turns to dissension which can lead to relationship rupture. Love is about respect. Respect of self and each other. Knowing how to communicate, being trustworthy and respecting one another is very important. Infidelity is one of the leading causes relationships end in turmoil. It is very easy for people to manipulate individuals who are broken into accepting bad behaviors. Those who are toxic, abusive and emotional manipulators play and prey on other people’s insecurities. Some wonder why anyone would subject themselves to being hurt and cheated on but it usually isn’t intentional. In my opinion it is a direct result of broken consciousness, overlooking or ignoring red flags, flawed thinking, dysfunctional behavior patterns, tainted perspectives and distorted mindsets. Single individuals can avoid falling into these emotional traps by taking the time to do the work of assessing where you are, identifying why you want to be in a relationship, unlearning bad habits and behaviors that caused them to become broken in the first place. We hear so many people talk about “doing the work” but not everyone fully understands what the work is or how to even go about starting the process of healing. The first step is facing the negative and hurtful emotional head on. This will require you to sit with them and allow yourself to feel your feelings. It’s important to take time to assess your past relationships. Identify what went wrong, why it didn’t work and be honest with yourself about the role you played in it failing. Pay attention to your patterns and daily habits. People tend to repeat what they don’t see as wrong, recognize as a problem or work to correct. Keep this quote in mind, “The pattern will always be repeated because the work is incomplete,” (Devi Brown) It’s important to differentiate between pain learned through trauma and pain manifested as the result of life happening. One of the biggest mistakes I made was getting into relationships because of trauma bonding.
Trauma causes physiological changes to occur in the brain and leads to cell death which can make it difficult for people to function in healthy ways cognitively. These changes may cause a person to be stuck in a traumatic state. Due to the trauma of my enduring being sexually violated I developed the idea that love was pain. Experiencing toxic love was normalized in my mind. It wasn’t until I decided to seek professional help that I realized how I had developed some unhealthy behaviors, patterns and ways of thinking. I was stuck in pain and carried a lot of baggage from unresolved trauma. I developed a broken self perspective. The lens in which I once viewed myself was smeared by unresolved pain. My personal views about myself were distorted which was a direct reflection of the sexual abuse at different periods throughout my life which first began in my childhood. Broken consciousness had me attracted to dismissive men. I associated rejection and abusive behaviors with love. The truth of the matter is I was choosing wrong as a result of me being broken spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I didn’t realize how much trauma was affecting my ability to make good sound decisions. I was choosing wrong due to broken consciousness. While most would agree females have the right to choose and say no when a man makes sexual advancements towards them. There were times I didn’t feel like I had an option when it came to my sexuality. I learned about sex through perversion as a result of my being molested as a child. I assumed sex was love and thought it was mandatory if I wanted to be in a committed relationship with a man. Engaging in sexual activity felt like something I was obligated to do in order to be in a relationship. I will dive deeper into how become intimate with the wrong person too soon can cause a person to become broken and trapped in toxic love later on. Being sexually compatible with someone does not mean they will be a good husband or wife. More importantly, it doesn’t guarantee the other person will want to be in an exclusive relationship with you. Sex is nice but it does not means the person loves, appreciates, values or respects you, nor will it hold a marriage together.
Compatibility is a very important factor to consider when choosing a life partner. Often times people will see things in individuals they’re in relationships with that they don’t particularly care but they’ll overlook them for the sake of securing love. Three of the biggest traps the enemy uses to ensnare us are preying on our emotions, vulnerabilities and fears of being alone. You may be a person who has rushed into relationships in the past because it felt right and filled a void in your heart. I have been there before. I’ll be the first to admit it was a total disaster. The truth of the matter is I was choosing wrong as a result of me being broken spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I jumped into relationships because they felt right but I did a horrible job in vetting the men I assumed was the one. Communication is a very important aspect of dating, relationships and marriage. A person’s circumstances, background, life experiences, understanding and world view forms ideals and beliefs which can have a huge impact on relationships. When two partners decide to commit to the process of building a healthy, loving and stable relationship both people should come to a mutual agreement about how they will show up for one another and conduct themselves in a respectable manner in order to maintain a healthy relationship. If both individuals have varying beliefs and concepts about marriage it can create a huge conflict which could possibly lead to divorce later on.
I believe it is important for those of us who are single and desire to be married to be honest with ourselves about where we are mentally and emotionally. Relationships require work and intentionality for them to be successful. I encourage people to identify the areas they are falling short and be honest about what they need to correct. It is very important to do the work to heal broken places before starting to date or inviting another person into our lives. Some of us have a false perception about marriage and may not even know what a healthy marriage looks like. While I have never had the honor of being married I have been blessed to see people in my family be successful in developing, building and maintaining healthy marital relationships. The one common factor I’ve found in talking to couples who have been married ten to fifty years is their willingness to work through tough times together. Keeping the lines of communication open are very important. Being able to give your partner space to share their heart, patience to listen with the intent to understand their truth rather than to defend your position or point view and grace to speak freely without fear of being judged are critical in building relational bonds. Judging or being condemnatory of your mate can make or break the relationship.
Some of us are chasing and desiring fairy tales not understanding marriage requires work, time, effort, patience, sacrifice, compromise, dedication and commitment. I’m sure a significant amount of us as women would love to have a Prince Charming come and sweep us off our feet. However, not all of us have insight and wisdom on how to choose right. More importantly we may not necessarily be ready for that which we desire. Some of us do not fully understand our roles as women and how to be good wives. Remember God created Eve to be a help mate to Adam. He also designed and equipped women to procreate as well as multiply what is given to us. For example, if a man brings home groceries to a woman who is skilled in the kitchen she will turn into a full course meal. When a man implants his seeds inside of a woman she has the ability to become pregnant, produce and give birth to a child. However, just because a woman is given food and seeds does not automatically mean she knows how to prepare a good meal or raise children. These are acquired skills learned through directed teaching, willingness and openness to learn. I don’t believe anyone comes into the world knowing how to be a good husband or wife. Men and woman alike should desire to learn all they can about spirituality, life, finances, family, marriage and how to become the best versions of themselves before getting married. It is very important for both the man and woman to understand themselves, their individual gender roles, responsibilities in managing and developing the relationship as well the primary purpose for joining together to become a married couple. Agreement is one of the most important things that should be considered before saying I do. Joining together solely on the bases of love without discussing other important aspects of relationships are setting themselves up for failure.
Some people fall in love based on physicality and sexuality which is a fallacy that has the potential to fade away. Looks will change over time, health issues may arise and the possibility of unexpected life changes occur which can take a toll on the relationship. Choosing to marry someone because they satisfy your sexual needs is dangerous. I like to ask people what they believe will happen if their partner can no longer gratify them sexually if there is no compatibility or chemistry in other areas? Majority of the time it puts a major strain on the relationship. One or both partners may step outside or choose to leave the marriage all together because it was built on a superficial foundation. Sexuality is a taboo topic in the church but it is one we need to uncover and talk about. Simply because many are engaging in premarital sex without full understanding of how it affects our hearts, minds and thinking processes as it relates to relationships. It is very easy to be blinded by sex because we get caught up in the feelings of it. Often time people mistake lust for love which is one of the reasons I believe it is not something that should be engaged in haphazardly. Sex is a special gift from God. In today’s modern times many singles are finding themselves being tempted to engage in casual sex as it has become a societal norm on the dating scene. The Bible tells us in 1 Corinthians 6:20, “ You were bought with price, therefore honor God with your bodies.” Purity seems to be a virtue that is no longer in fashion. Holiness and sanctification are still right. Unfortunately many people are taking their cues from musical artist, entertainers, social media influencers, social dating sites and the media at large. Premarital sex clouds our judgment. Some people have dangerously fell in love simply because of the euphoric moments that are ignited during sexual intimacy. Giving your body away to any and every one not only decreases your value but it also diminishes your worth. See yourself as a treasure or a rare jewel not to be touched by everyone. Have you ever gone into a jewelry store and noticed they keep the high priced jewels locked away and hidden? This is to keep everyone from putting their hands on them and limits fingers prints being all over the jewels. More importantly it decreases the chances of them being stolen by someone who can’t afford to pay what they’re worth. God sees you the exact same way. Count it all joy when people are standoffish towards you. You may be in a season of being hidden. Treasures can only be unlocked by the person who holds the key. Take thought of the word found in Song of Solomon 4:12, “ You are my private garden, my treasure, my bride, a secluded spring, a hidden fountain.” God wants you to remain set apart during your single season. Remember patience is a virtue. God will bless you with his best if you continue being patient in waiting to meet the right one whom will be your bride or groom. Don’t give your body away just because they look good and your physiological clock runs hot. Pray and ask God to keep you. Find other things that peak your interest and commit to abstaining so you will be ready when your Mr. or Mrs. Right crosses your path.
One of the worst things singles can do is to choosing with someone solely of the basis of good sex. Attempting to lay your way into a marriage is totally out of order. It will only lead to you to being sexually intoxicated, handicapped and paralyzed by seduction. God is a God of order and he is not the author of confusion. Some women believe wholeheartedly a man loves them because he whispers sweet nothings during sexual activities but the truth is it is only for a moment in some instances. The enemy knows what we like and he serves it just the way we like it. The man will show up looking, walking and talking just right but the whole time he may only be grooming you to get you in bed. Then you’ll be wondering why he switched up but the reality is you jumped in bed because of what you felt emotionally and between your legs. We open our bodies and minds up to demonic possession when we allow our hearts to be penetrated or ruled by lust that leads us into engaging in sexual sins habitually. Hear me clearly when I say that is not God’s will nor does giving a man the most intimate part of you mean he will see and desire you as his wife.
Individuals whom desire to be married should take time to study and understand the first order of marriage according to biblical context. God made Eve out of Adam’s rib as he felt it was not good for man to live alone. He saw fit to bless him with companionship making Eve a suitable helper whom could help Adam tend to the garden, procreating human life, provide support in every aspect, nurture his needs and to be a supportive wife. I want to provide some practical things for you to work on before you start dating and decide to jump the broom for marriage.
Things to Work On & Questions to Consider
1. Why do you want to be in a relationship? Jot down at least five reasons you see being in a relationship as beneficial to who you are as a person.
2. Decide what you want in a relationship. Write down what you desire and how you’re going to show up when you meet Mr. or Mrs. Right.
3. Identify what you have to offer to another person. Pin point what you’re willing to give and outline your boundaries.
4. Be open and honest with yourself about where you are. Write down the areas you see need to be improved and develop an action plan to change them.
5. Have you cleaned up the residue from any childhood trauma and broken relationships in your past? If no what are you going to do to heal and overcome them? Be honest and admit if the wounds are too deep and accept you may need to seek professional help through a counselor or therapist. Make the call and schedule the appointment.
6. Do you have the overall capacity to handle being in relationship with another person? Can you handle their moments of sadness, anger, hardship, grief and darkness?
7. Are you willing to sacrifice and give of yourself to another person through every season of their life and yours?
8. Choose your mate from a healed place rather than from brokenness or trauma.
9. Create your own life’s fulfillment during your single season.
10. Don’t present your representative by pretending to be someone or something you’re not just to gain a man’s heart.
11. Avoid using sex and physical attributes to manipulate a man or woman into choosing you.
12. Be self sufficient and able to maintain your lifestyle on your own before getting into a relationship.
13. Don’t expect more than you are willing give back in return.
14. Be emotionally stable and practice emotional intelligence. Take responsibility for your emotions. Hold yourself accountable for keeping your emotional experiences and expressions in check.
15. Practice fidelity and being committed to God during your single season.
16. Ladies avoid bashing and emasculating men. Don’t minimize or diminish a man’s worth down to the size of his wallet and bank account. Check your motive for wanting to become a man’s wife.
17. Gentlemen stay clear of choosing a woman solely based on her physical appearance. Don’t degrade her based on her sexuality and physicality. Take time to talk to her and pick her brain to get to know her on a deeper level spiritually, mentally and emotionally to find out if she is suitable to be your wife.
18. Ask the tough questions upfront so you don’t waste your time. Remember agreement, chemistry, mutuality and compatibility are vital to building a healthy loving relationship that will be solid and withstand the test of time.
In closing, I want to leave you all with a quote from Albert Einstein. Keep this in mind as you go out to date and open your heart top receive love. “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they both are disappointed.” Life is a series of trade offs. It is unrealistic to think our partners will show up ready made or won’t change once we get with them. They will and it’s important for you to give your love interest space to do so. It is a fallacy to think people will stay the same or that they will change at the rate and speed we believe they should. Change is good and grace is the key ingredient to loving people unconditionally through their healing and growth process. I pray you were blessed by this content and find the tips I’m providing to be helpful. Remember it’s great to acquire new information but knowledge not applied is wasted and it becomes useless. Do your work, uncover the hurt and heal your way to enjoying a better life. I’m rooting for you and love is sure to find you when you’re ready. It’s all going to happen at Gods appointed time. Be encouraged!
Listen to the audio here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/preparing-for-marriage-keys-to-help-you-choose-right/id1517058612?i=1000575092804
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